i miss her.

it's one of those nights. where i lay in bed just reliving that last phone call wondering how i didn't know that she was dying while she was telling me that she loved me. how did i not know? she told me she was short of breath, but she was always short of breath. i remember us discussing our next trip to seattle and her saying the doctor told her she wasn't well enough to fly alone. i remember saying that's silly. i really, really didn't think she was THAT sick. i don't know why. denial? i guess. i guess i was unwilling to accept the fact that i might lose my only remaining parent so soon. i remember asking her if she had her oxygen on and she said yes, so i relaxed a bit. i mean, she had just come home from the hospital that morning. certainly, if she was that ill, they wouldn't have released her.
but, of course, as we all know now, she was that ill and they did release her. and she did have a heart attack and she did die.
and she left a hole in my heart so big sometimes i almost drown in it. it's not even windy tonight. i don't know why i'm so sad. i guess because february isn't far. i don't know. it doesn't matter anyway. i'm just sad because i am and that's enough. it'll pass. writing always helps it pass. thanks for reading even though i know it's not fun. i appreciate it. love you all.