sucks.

i hate being caught off guard. i'm in valhalla cleaning out my desk and i stumbled across a card from my mother from around three years ago. i remember i had spent the weekend up there and we kept hunter overnight for melanie at my mom's house. i got up in the middle of the night to pee and saw her on the porch smoking... after she had supposedly quit a few weeks before. i was so upset; i remember yelling at her and her just looking at me, looking so embarrassed and sad and saying nothing. and i remember feeling awful for yelling but not knowing how to explain to her how much it was killing me to watch her kill herself. i still can't even put that feeling into words because i'm not sure they exist. and i can't put into words how she looked sitting there listening to me cry and plead and yell -- i remember her looking so small and defeated and when i think about it now, i want to crawl under this desk and disappear.
so as i was packing my bag to leave the next day, i noticed an envelope in my bag that said "steph (to read later)" it's a card from her... "the only thing i can say or do is to tell you i'll try again and i promise with all my heart that i will do my absolute best to stay 'quit'. i realized this weekend (before last night) how much of life i'm missing because of it. i do love you and i'll try everything and anything to make you and mel proud. love, mom"

i seriously could throw up. i hate that this office is just home to the most awful times in my life and i can't wait to start new. i love you, too, mom. and i'm sorry that it couldn't be beaten. i'm just sorry altogether.