warning: sad, mopey and depressing.

ugh. february around this time just fucking sucks. well, back up. first let me say HI and I'M BACK!! i will post later this week about london. or maybe tomorrow. or whatever.

today i've just kind of been a total mope about my mom. i am too completely lazy to check back to see if i ever really wrote about her death. maybe i did? anyway, if i didn't, she died on february 20, 2006. you know, i don't even want to get into it, but let's just sum up? it fucking SUCKS. presidents day 2006 was the last time i ever spoke to her. she has missed so much of my life since then. fucking copd. UGH. maybe i should change the title of this post to "FUCKING SUCKS" since that is really my only thought. i think i tried to skate through last year's anniversary. we got engaged at the end of january. i tried on wedding gowns on february 20, the year anniversary of her death and ended up buying my gown on february 27, the year anniversary of her funeral. fucked up, isn't it? and don't even get me STARTED on how many people ask about bringing your mom in to see the gown before you buy it. JUST DON'T.

anyway, i'm just really missing her right now. her name was tina. she would be 52 this july. she really, REALLY loved my nephew, star magazine, lollipops and canada dry ginger ale. she would have danced like a damned fool at my wedding. she would be really proud of my sister's courage to be a single mom going back to school. she'd be MORTIFIED over the fact that i haven't cleaned out my coffee maker since we got it months ago. she'd be a lot of things. it makes me feel a little better to think she and my dad are somehow watching out for us from "afar" -- wherever that really is. if she is, i KNOW one thing for sure... she knows tom and i got stuck with her two cats and is laughing, "HA, suckers!"

i miss you, mom. and sorry, everyone, for being a debbie downer tonight. sometimes it just overtakes me. luckily, it's not as often as before.