adventures in I'M A TOTAL SHMUCK.

i could throw up. SRSLY throw up.

i got a nice letter in the mail about two weeks ago from my state saying, "hey jackass, you failed to file state taxes in 2004 and guess what? YOU OWE US A LOT OF MONEY."

i was like, whaaaaa? with interest and penalties it comes to like five grand.

so, i threw up. then i filed a continuance so i could check and see if their assessment was correct. IT WAS, OF COURSE.

i realized that i didn't file state taxes for the state i worked in, either, that year (worked in one state, lived in another). so i did all the stuff and it turns out THEY owed ME about FOUR thousand dollars!

which is proof that i am not a delinquent tax evader. i clearly somehow just lost my freakin mind and forgot to file state. i mean, i filed federal. HOW did i forget state? but, i was really excited because i could use that 4k to offset the disgusting 5k i owed my state.

i called this afternoon to verify how i should file and guess what? i missed the FUCKING STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS FOR THIS STATE BY A YEAR. so those assholes get to keep MY money, yet i still have to pay the other state.

i CRIED AT WORK. i'm so incredibly pissed at myself. this affects not only me, but my husband, who didn't even KNOW ME THEN.

i hate this. i pretty much hate me today.

swell.

this is the reason i can officially no longer wear my wedding rings:

latest additions to the ipod

just thought i'd share my completely SCHIZO taste in music...

• heartless ~ kanye west
• circus ~ brit brit
• lucky ~ jason mraz & colbie caillat
• love lockdown ~ kanye west
• don't stop believing ~ journey
• lovers in japan ~ coldplay
• dead and gone ~ t.i. featuring justin timberlake (aka my secret lovah)
• you're not sorry (csi remix) ~ TAYLOR FUCKING SWIFT
• how do you sleep ~ jesse mccartney (also: shutee)
• thinking of you ~ katy perry
• untouched ~ the veronicas
• come on get higher ~ matt nathanson
• i will be ~ leona lewis (WHICH MAKES ME CRY THINKING OF MY HUSBAND)

seriously, is this list cause for medical intervention????

omg. ps, if you watched the game, this isn't really a good recap.

i cannot believe i stayed up last night. for those of you who don't know, i attended the university of connecticut (14 thousand years ago). i am OBSESSED (like many, SMART people) with uconn basketball.

you may have heard from time to time that my huskies are GOOD. they were ranked number one in the country twice this season, even though our best defender has been OUT with a torn miniscus for about two months.

well, last night was the quarter finals in the big east tournament. and they played syracuse. WHO IS MY EVEREST.

i love these match ups. i love the rivalry. i do. but what i don't love is that tip off was at 9:35 IN THE NIGHT TIME. come on, people. i am growing a human. i need SLEEP.

but no, i stayed up. i figure, eh, late night. i'll get to bed around 11:30. around 11:45 the game ends up going into overtime.

and double overtime.

and TRIPLE overtime.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!!!

IT GOES INTO A TOTAL OF SIX OVERTIMES. everyone's fouling out on both sides. people i've never HEARD of are coming in. my guys poop out and LOSE TO FUCKING SYRACUSE AT 1:15 (approximately) IN THE MORNING.

i am delirious today. i'm too fucking exhausted to even be very sad about it. but, SIDE NOTE (this is for you, swistle!!): i had NO IDEA how active the baby is in the middle of the night. does this mimic what will be in store for me in a few months? do the sleep/active cycles follow the pattern they have in utero? I AM IN TROUBLE, IF SO. because it was SOLID FUCKING GOLD in there last night.

here i am! a month later!

so i'm trying to find stuff that's not baby-related to post about, but there isn't anything, so whatever. here goes.

yesterday i took one of our cats to the vet (simon) because he HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM. he needs cat aa. HAAHHAHAHA. nobody else thinks that's funny? just me? hormones.

anyway, he's been downing an entire bowl of water HIMSELF per day for about 10 days so finally i decided that's PROBABLY a problem. so, i brought him in and $217 later, i have no answers. yet.

they took blood (and BONUS: clipped his talons!) and we should know more friday. apparently the front runners are: diabetes, kidney failure and thyroid issues. the vet didn't think it was his thyroid (i don't remember why) but his left kidney felt large and in charge, so maybe that's it.

i almost CRIED at the thought of him dying. he's 11 and he was my mom's cat, but CRYING??? yeah again? hormones.

OK, so yeah, that ended quickly because when we got home, he tried to MURDER ME in revenge for the vet visit. HELLO, I'M TRYING TO SAVE YOUR LIFE, FUCKER.

i got up from the couch and he darted out from under the coffee table (PERFECTLY TIMED AND SO ON PURPOSE) and i instinctively tried to dodge him and forgot that i weigh 247 times my normal weight and lost my balance. and fell into our sharp, SLATE fireplace.

luckily, i remembered mid-fall that hello, I AM PREGNANT, and turned enough that instead of falling stomach first into the edge of the fireplace, i landed right hip first and caught the rest of myself with my right hand. i'm telling you, EVERY OUNCE OF LOVE FOR THAT CAT DIED IN THAT MOMENT.

it's back now, but holy shit did that hurt.

anyway, see? everything revolves around the baby. no wonder the cat hates me.

i'm so mean

but this picture is HILARIOUS. my sister just sent me this picture of hunter at the dentist. HAHAHAHAHA

DENIED!!

OMG. one of my favorite blogs is suddenly FORBIDDEN AT WORK!!!!!



wtf.

warning: i'm pregnant and this is SAPPY

i keep a baby blog separately from this blog -- which i update ALLTHETIME because i'm obsessed and i don't want to bog down this blog with every little thing. hence this blog being a bit neglected.

well, i'm feeling VERY EMOTIONAL today (shut it). so much so that i want to post this here, too. and once you read it, i'm sure you'll be glad i don't bombard you with this kind of baby stuff all the time. ;)

21 weeks and that's all that matters
i'm having a shit time at work lately. and i've gotten so upset about it... like ridiculously upset. and then, with one little kick from within, i realized what a waste of time and energy that was.

how in the WORLD can i be upset over work? i am insanely grateful and BEYOND blessed to be kicked day and night by my little bean, who is now almost a pound and almost a foot long. my bean, with a strong, beating heart. proving to me every day that miracles do exist and i can't believe my good luck that i get to experience one.

those kicks humble me because somewhere, someone thinks i am WORTHY of carrying this living miracle. that i am capable of bringing that life into this world.

i don't care how awful my job is, i am lucky to have one. i have an amazing husband who will be an even more amazing father. i have a safe, (somewhat drafty) home, incredible friends and family and i'm 19 short weeks away (god willing) from being a mother. A MOTHER. i intend to savor every single kick and be grateful for every moment i am lucky enough to have.

that is what counts. i love you, bean. thank you for your constant reminders. i can't wait to kiss the toes on those kicky little feet. i promise, with everything that i have, that i will be the best mother i can be to you.

AND, per president obama, i promise i won't let you drop out of high school. ;)

guess whoooooo

we got to see on friday???

friday was our BIG ultrasound... and nope, we did NOT find out the sex. does anyone have a guess based on this delightful, chubby cheeked picture of my AWESOME CHILD????

little bean is a peanut. 27th percentile for growth, but the dr said that's totally normal at this point (i was 18w2d on friday). i have to go back in 5 weeks because due to the baby's position (basically back to my belly) they couldn't get a very good look at the heart (though it was whooshing away at 157 bpm, if THAT influences your guesses at all!) or the umbilical cord.

i am ADDICTED to ultrasounds. they asked me all "we'd reaaaally like it if you could come back..." like i'd say NO?!?!?! hi, i'll come back every week if you want! tom cruise, i am TOTALLY with you on this one!

new etsy store!!

here is a shameless plug for my AWESOME friend jen's AWESOME new etsy store!!

she makes the cutest jewelry. she is also wikkid crafty and it sort of makes me a tiny bit sick from jealousy because i am the total opposite.

for example, SHE MADE A HEADBOARD FOR ME. FROM SCRATCH. as in, loaded up her suv with sawhorses, electric sander, saw, electric drill and shit and DROVE from NH to CT, took me to home depot to buy all the other crap, then to a fabric store to buy OTHER crap, then BUILT A HEADBOARD IN MY LIVING ROOM.

seriously. check out her shop. she kicks ass.

octuplets

obviously you all have heard about the woman who gave birth to octuplets at 30 weeks. it's insane the misinformation and judgement (read: BULLSHIT) out there regarding fertility treatments.

i could launch into a diatribe about this, but after reading a fellow infertility sufferer cover this SO RIGHT ON in her blog, i will just link to her take on this.

if you aren't very familiar w/ treatments for infertility, i encourage you to read this (read: DO IT AND PASS IT ON).

that way, the octuplet parents and john & kates of this world will stop being what we're compared to. because they are the EXCEPTION to the rule. and we (and consequently, our children) won't be the punchline of insensitive and ignorant jokes. ok, i'm starting to get going about this and i said i'd leave it to busted, so i will.

::deep breaths::

what was important to you?

ok, i KNOW there are SOME moms who read this. probably not many because i'm the shittiest blogger alive, but help a sista out, if you will.

tom and i are visiting a daycare on thursday and i wanna know... EVERYTHING.

as in, what stood out for YOU in the daycare you decided to go with? what did you hate? what did you ask? did you have to LOVE the teachers? what was the teacher to infant ratio (if your kid went as an infant. mine will be 3 months when it (hahaah it) goes.)?

anything that you thought you wouldn't give a tiny rat's ass about but did? vice versa? any sort of help would be appreciated.

though i must admit, this place would have to be ON FIRE for us not to use it, since it's on-site at my work and we get a huge discount.

cute overload

so i got a teeny box in the mail yesterday from babygap. AHHHHHH!! i have NOT ordered anything from babygap. (tom, i swear!!)

i opened it up and there was a teeny ADORABLY gift-wrapped box with an ADORABLE grosgrain ribbon around it. hi, i LOVE BABY STUFF!!!!!

inside was this delightful gift from my delightful friend, christine, wishing the bean and i happy 2nd trimester:

HOW CUTE IS THIS? thanks, christine. i love it! ps? holla back at me... 16 weeks today!

so hungry

i keep snacking today and NOTHING is satiating the hunger. i had mac n cheese for lunch. SHUT UP, THAT IS WHAT THE BABY WANTED. i've since had 2 soups at hand and a cheese stick and i'm still hungry.

i don't want to even think about dinner because i want to just EAT EVERYTHING. and i don't want to cook. i just want to EAT.

sigh.

edited to add to the list: hint of lime tostitos. still hungry.

only this shit happens to me

OK, so we go to bed last night... I wake up 839457893845 times to pee. As usual. We have been sleeping with our door open lately to help circulate the heat better.

So I hear a noise that sounds like something hitting glass. Not breaking it, but hitting it. So I ask Tom if he heard it. He tells me I'm not allowed to watch CSI anymore and go back to sleep. I get up and shut the bedroom door, because obviously every little noise is waking me. He gets up five minutes later to investigate and is out of the room for a second and our ADT alarm goes off.

I yell, "Was that you?" He runs back in the room..."NO." He shuts and locks our door, grabs the wooden baseball bat and tells me to go into the master bathroom. I FREAK. The alarm is still going off. I'm WAITING for ADT to call, they're supposed to call within a minute of it going off. I pick up our house phone and it's dead. CUE: EVERY EPISODE OF CRIMINAL MINDS/CSI I HAVE EVER WATCHED. there are NO good possible outcomes here.

Tom grabs my cell phone and calls 911. While he's on the phone with them our house phone rings. I pick it up and it's ADT. They ask if we're ok and I say I DON'T KNOW.

Did you set off your alarm?
AT ONE FIFTEEN IN THE MORNING? NO. (It's still going off btw).

They say we'll send the police. I tell them my husband is on the cell with them since they didn't call right away (asshole!). They say they've been very busy because several alarms have gone off due to the extreme cold. I ask what alarm was triggered and they say the upstairs slider. I say thanks, they reset it and I hang up.

Tom tells the police that he was upstairs when the alarm went off and didn't see anything at that door, but they say stay put anyway and we're coming. Luckily, they were here in like THREE minutes. They do a walk around and come to the door. Tom is in his Coors Light pajama pants, holding the baseball bat.

The cop says the house looks secure and looks at the bat, "Is that your weapon??" NICE, DUDE. WAY TO MAKE FUN OF OUR TERROR.

So, it seems it was just a malfunction due to the weather, but we realized if there had been an emergency (it would go off if the fire alarm detected smoke or if the carbon monoxide dectector sensed anything either) that we have no way to exit the house from there. We need to get a rope ladder for the bedroom window. We could probably jump to our front walk, but if I did that now, well, I'm pregnant and they probably FROWN ON THAT, and I certainly couldn't THROW a baby out the freaking window if it happened in six months.

ANYWAY, GET THIS. the police left us a scolding note in our mailbox about false alarms. And how next time it could LENGTHEN THEIR RESPONSE TIME.

Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?

didn't we just move in?

i feel like we did, since the house is still SO unfinished. how am i just noticing this now? we've owned it since june. so what, seven months? we JUST got an area rug for the upstairs living room. WHAT A DIFFERENCE. it's like grown ups live there now! and also? god DAMN those things are expensive!

we still need curtains for the sliders up there. yeah, seven months of NO COVERAGE there. i watch pretty much every crime show known to man and even though this room is on the second floor (with a deck outside that doesn't have stairs. annoying when you are out there? YES. but when you are inside worried about murderers? EXCELLENT.), i'm constantly wondering who's in the woods in the back documenting our every move and just waiting to break in and stab us with screwdrivers (criminal minds? anyone?).

so that's NEXT on the list. i'm exhausted just thinking about it.

so pissed.

tom got me these DELIGHTFULLY warm and cozy l.l. bean slippers for christmas. i mean, they are RIDICULOUS looking, but i don't care. they are heaven.

only problem is, they fit HIM, they are waaay too big for me.

so, we trek over there last night to exchange them and i saw two pairs labeled small. one was in a package and one was out (obvs. a return), so i tried on the open ones and yahoo! they fit! so, i BOUGHT the packaged ones. (incidentally, tom ended up KEEPING THE OTHERS FOR HIMSELF!)

i get home, jump into pjs, SO excited to put on my new slippers. take them out of the package and have to JAM my feet into them. WTF? i turn them over? They are XXS!!!! in a S package. fuckers.

i'm going back today, but they're on clearance now and there was only that ONE other open pair. if they are gone, i will WEEP especially now that i have to watch mr. i-buy-you-gifts-that-i-keep-for-myself waltz around in the same ones taunting me!!!

also? i apparently HATE shopping now. i have so much shit to return or exchange for (sigh) BIGGER sizes (sidenote: size MEDIUM maternity LOUNGE pants don't fit me. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE???) and i have only been motivated to rest on my couch for months. damn it!

the bean's first glamour shot

this is a crappy cell pic, but we had our nt scan (to measure for chromosomal abnormalities) this morning (and so far, everything looks GOOD!) and here is our little bean's first profile pic.

I AM IN LOVE!!! LOOK AT THE BUTTON NOSE!!!!!

i have GOT to get away from the tv

i want these. as in, i almost just ordered them from tv!!

that's ridiculous (and how i ended up w/ sounds of the 70s in college. i don't even LIKE 70s MUSIC).

also, i could totally save shipping charges and just buy them at walgreens, the land of "as seen on tv" -- i know this because tom got me SHAMWOW! from walgreens for christmas.

oh yes he did. and i love him for it.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

dvr is FINALLY FIXED!!!


oh yeah, baby.